Happy Rebirth-day to me
Today marks 6 years since my father passed. I was fortunate to be with him during his final months, having travelled from Japan to the UK shortly before a global pandemic closed international borders. His illness had been long and painful. I knew losing him would be hard, but I had no idea it would mark the end of life as I knew it.
The day I lost my dad, I lost my mother too, by other means. And though the papers wouldn’t be signed for another few years, I also lost my marriage, and with it the life I’d built over decades in a country far from home. The loss was so immense that my sense of self vanished. My entire worldview was thrown into chaos. I was anchorless. Rudderless. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t know myself. But my children were only two and four years old. I had to get my head right.
It took two years to sail through the storm. Two years to regain equilibrium. I looked the same on the outside, but inside, everything had changed. It wasn’t a return; it was a reincarnation. It was the greatest journey of my life. I have always processed my feelings on paper. Writing externalises our thoughts; it produces - like magic - notions we had no idea were lurking in the recesses of our minds; it is an exorcism of unwelcome messaging and an affirmation of intent: the physical manifestation of thought.
Over the last six years, I’ve curated a toolkit of exercises I use on repeat to keep my brain in shape, free from looping thoughts and catastrophising, full of everyday romance, beauty, gratitude, goals and dreams. I work out my mind as routinely as I go to the gym. Sometimes it needs a brisk stroll, sometimes stretching, sometimes heavy lifting. Sometimes just a soak and sauna. I audit my mental automations and have greater control over my inner monologue because I pay attention to words and images as they appear. I’m better acquainted with my personality traits, regarding the maladaptive ones as naughty pets to be gently chided and placated with biscuits and belly scratches. Sometimes, they bolt out the door. I gently bring them home.
Acceptance of these parts makes me more compassionate towards myself and others. Crucially, something I had previously thought to be out of my reach is now my baseline state: peace. My words, thoughts and actions are, for the most part, aligned. My nickname in my youth was Rage-el. If I can move through life now without arrogance, fear, anger, perfectionism, envy and insecurity at the helm - as they were for 40 years - you can too.
You don’t need to hit rock bottom to hit refresh.
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